Today's Reminiscing post comes from my friend, Olu. He's "chillin" in Nigeria for a little bit and will be guest blogging his experiences, which I'm really excited to read.
I recently had my very first traffic incident in Victoria Island, Lagos.
I had just paid N150 at a toll gate that is about as orderly as a jungle gym, and was heading towards one of the many roundabouts on this particular road. It was a Saturday so I guess the traffic warden – LASMAN (acronym for Lagos state something something…) – wasn’t on duty. As I was making my turn, a car clipped my rear bumper. “My dad is going to kill you man!” That’s what my cousin said, very encouraging right? I parked and jumped out of the car to see the damage but to my surprise there was none! We then strolled over; confidently I might add, to see the other car. He was apologetic. We even tried helping him sort out his damaged hood. We went our separate ways. End of! There was no exchange of insurance information or anything of that sort.
Driving in Lagos can be one of the most daunting tasks. It’s not the actual driving that is difficult (if my mom can drive, so can you!), but the added elements one has to deal with. Pot holes, nutters posing as bus drivers, pedestrians, pot holes, bikes, roadside markets, potholes, dead street lights, disobedience of traffic lights and signs, pot holes. You’ve probably guessed it by now: I hate pot holes! My arse will be forever grateful when I return to Canada. I intern at a multinational financial services firm. Their building is 30% vacant because of… pot holes.
Oh I left out the seemingly demonic traffic jams that can spring up anywhere, anytime. Yes, there are spiritual forces at work because for as long as I can remember the Lagos government has been tackling traffic. A morning prayer that includes destroying the evil forces behind traffic might sound funny to some, but to me? Perfectly normal. I recently started dabbling in that practice and its working!! I wake up by 5:15am for my 8:00am job, and mind you I am always late. With the okada banned, power bikes have become very popular except these blokes take it to the next level by riding around in robo-cop attire. Have you ever seen a power bike in Lagos traffic? Pitiful. Its total essence—freedom and power—lost. And people do the most ridiculous things: driving or reversing into oncoming traffic even at night, stopping in the middle of the road to buy a newspaper.
The only good thing about traffic is that the road becomes a mall of some sort, with a food court featuring gala, groundnuts, ice-cream, fruits, drinks etc. Some products are absolutely ridiculous like teddies or towels. Would you buy a towel that probably doubles as a nighttime blanket for the mature looking lad selling them? And dog collars?? But people do buy these things. I’ve seen it and I was shocked. A teddy?! Then there are those that will go through the hawkers’ entire product line and end up buying nothing. I detest those folks…very cold of them. And this one guy does business on roller blades, weaving effortlessly through traffic. I thought that was brilliant!
Then rain! I could write a book on how rain can be so crippling in Lagos. Absolute madness ensues. Traffic quantifies. People are more impatient and a lot more aggressive. Accidents multiply. Drains overflow and streets are flooded. Rubbish floats around in the street and more bloody pot holes appear. Yesterday when it rained, my uncle’s driver bitch slapped a young boy that wheels around barrels of water because of a small scratch. It was so distasteful. I let him have it, and he has been ignoring me since. Can’t be arsed though. Everything just becomes congested.
The point is don’t buy a car you are not willing to let get damaged because your Lamborghini would be f*&%ed. I can’t count how many Toyota Prado jeeps I’ve seen since I arrived. At first I tweeted “40 Toyota Prado in this car park #swagballers” but then I later found out that these cars were built to absorb the impact of potholes #practical, but the one I ride in is 10 years old so most of the technology has depreciated. Leave your house by 5am and close before 5pm or wait till 10pm to avoid traffic on the island; if you live on the mainland you’re screwed either ways. When it rains, take that rain check and call in sick; and finally unless you own a Prado, embrace the potholes cos a pillow doesn’t do shit.
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Driving in Lagos can be one of the most daunting tasks. It’s not the actual driving that is difficult (if my mom can drive, so can you!), but the added elements one has to deal with. Pot holes, nutters posing as bus drivers, pedestrians, pot holes, bikes, roadside markets, potholes, dead street lights, disobedience of traffic lights and signs, pot holes. You’ve probably guessed it by now: I hate pot holes! My arse will be forever grateful when I return to Canada. I intern at a multinational financial services firm. Their building is 30% vacant because of… pot holes.
Oh I left out the seemingly demonic traffic jams that can spring up anywhere, anytime. Yes, there are spiritual forces at work because for as long as I can remember the Lagos government has been tackling traffic. A morning prayer that includes destroying the evil forces behind traffic might sound funny to some, but to me? Perfectly normal. I recently started dabbling in that practice and its working!! I wake up by 5:15am for my 8:00am job, and mind you I am always late. With the okada banned, power bikes have become very popular except these blokes take it to the next level by riding around in robo-cop attire. Have you ever seen a power bike in Lagos traffic? Pitiful. Its total essence—freedom and power—lost. And people do the most ridiculous things: driving or reversing into oncoming traffic even at night, stopping in the middle of the road to buy a newspaper.
The only good thing about traffic is that the road becomes a mall of some sort, with a food court featuring gala, groundnuts, ice-cream, fruits, drinks etc. Some products are absolutely ridiculous like teddies or towels. Would you buy a towel that probably doubles as a nighttime blanket for the mature looking lad selling them? And dog collars?? But people do buy these things. I’ve seen it and I was shocked. A teddy?! Then there are those that will go through the hawkers’ entire product line and end up buying nothing. I detest those folks…very cold of them. And this one guy does business on roller blades, weaving effortlessly through traffic. I thought that was brilliant!
Then rain! I could write a book on how rain can be so crippling in Lagos. Absolute madness ensues. Traffic quantifies. People are more impatient and a lot more aggressive. Accidents multiply. Drains overflow and streets are flooded. Rubbish floats around in the street and more bloody pot holes appear. Yesterday when it rained, my uncle’s driver bitch slapped a young boy that wheels around barrels of water because of a small scratch. It was so distasteful. I let him have it, and he has been ignoring me since. Can’t be arsed though. Everything just becomes congested.
The point is don’t buy a car you are not willing to let get damaged because your Lamborghini would be f*&%ed. I can’t count how many Toyota Prado jeeps I’ve seen since I arrived. At first I tweeted “40 Toyota Prado in this car park #swagballers” but then I later found out that these cars were built to absorb the impact of potholes #practical, but the one I ride in is 10 years old so most of the technology has depreciated. Leave your house by 5am and close before 5pm or wait till 10pm to avoid traffic on the island; if you live on the mainland you’re screwed either ways. When it rains, take that rain check and call in sick; and finally unless you own a Prado, embrace the potholes cos a pillow doesn’t do shit.
